How Can We Strengthen our Light to Get Us through the Darkness of Life?

Text from my sacrament meeting talk given on 11/29/15

We live in a world in which we will experience challenges to our faith. When doubts come, they bring feelings of darkness, confusion, loneliness and even despair. Some say that doubt is the opposite of faith. However, through my experiences, I’ve learned instead that doubt can be a catalyst to increase your faith if you choose. How is this possible?

     As a few of you know, we have recently brought two beautiful pet birds into our home. They are fascinating animals, and it has been fun watching them fly around our house. Adrian once asked me how our birds are able to fly. I told him that we essentially live on the bottom of an “ocean of air” in Earth’s atmosphere, and all that air exerts a force that pushes down on everyone, called air pressure. The curvature of the tops of bird’s wings makes air travel faster over the top than the bottom.  The difference in air speeds between the top and the bottom of the wings mean that the top of the wings is experiencing a lower air pressure than the bottom, too, so the greater air pressure from below pushes up on the birds wings. So, that same atmosphere that exerts air pressure and resistance also creates lift; they don’t work without each other. You’d think it was the opposite, but, in order for birds to fly, they need resistance. I believe it’s possible for faith and doubt to work together in a similar way. When the pressure and resistance of life push us down, we have a choice. We can stay on the ground and let them keep us down, or we can be like a bird and use them to push us heavenward.
    When I was going through the most spiritual dark time in my life, some told me that I just needed to choose to believe. A few asked if I had done something wrong to bring about this darkness. Although well-meaning, these words frustrated me. I had not sought this darkness out. I wanted desperately to have the reassurance of a greater purpose that goes beyond this life and to know Heavenly Father was really there. However, I could no more believe in God and the gospel at that point, than I could simply choose to believe in fairy tales. There wasn’t a switch in my brain that I could flip to turn my faith and testimony "on".
    However, eventually, I did come to discover how one could choose faith in a doable way. While I couldn’t choose sincere belief at that point, I could choose my actions. For example, I could choose to continue sincerely praying despite how I was feeling.  I could choose to just have the desire to believe. I could choose to serve others within and without the church to fulfill my calling to my best ability. I could choose to fast and read my scriptures more frequently.  I decided that I would put in my best effort,  because I truly wanted to know the truth. Answers and clarity did not come right away. For me, the darkness persisted for awhile. However, one night I received my answer. Heavenly Father was really there, and He had communicated with me. He loved me. Looking back, I believe that the time I had to work and wait for this answer helped me appreciate the light more when it ultimately came.

Storm in the Mountains - Albert Bierstadt

Hugh B. Brown once wrote:

“I should tell you that I, too, have had periods of perplexity, uncertainty, and doubt; that I, too, have known the darkness, fogginess, and chill of the valley which lies between illuminated peaks of faith and confidence, and that only the memory of the hilltops along the road over which I have come, coupled with the somewhat misty vision of others still ahead, has given me the courage to plod on when I was tempted […] to wrap myself in the comfortless blanket of doubt and self-commiseration and just quit […] But this I can say positively, that each peak which I have climbed has seemed higher and more inspiring than the last, due at least in part, I think, to the dark background of the valley through which I came. Sharp contrasts are sometimes most revealing."

    Don't misunderstand, I am not saying that anyone should be purposely seeking out reasons to question any more than someone should seek out illness to better appreciate being healthy, these challenges seem to come enough on their own. I am saying that I've noticed that when I do become ill, that I am much more grateful for health when it returns. I appreciate the power that runs my home much more after a prolonged outage. How much more joyful is a reunion with those we love, than when there has been a difficult separation? I know that the answer I received during my darkest time, is the one that I treasure most, in part, because I was so grateful for it; it gleamed brighter in contrast to the darkness.
    Remember to be patient with those you know who are struggling because trying to make faithful choices and actions were much, much more difficult and painful to do during the time when answers weren’t coming, and when I didn’t have much hope that a lot of what I was doing wasn’t in vain. So one may ask: If someone is already struggling, why make things harder on ourselves? Why not wait to do all these things until after the answers come?
    While acts of faith are always important, they are especially so during times when our faith is challenged, as these times hold great potential for growth, and can reveal strength and strong character that we may not have even known we possessed. Revelation depends on the condition and intent of our hearts. We have to put the effort in first to receive answers, not the other way around.
     Think of two students taking a test in two different classrooms with a similar dilemma. Imagine that they both have the opportunity to cheat by looking at over at the smartest student’s answers which are in clear view, but neither one does. The first student sees that the teacher is watching her and she knows she’d get caught, and thus doesn’t really contemplate the choice to cheat.  The second student, however sees that her teacher left the room for a time. This student wrestles with the choice, but ultimately decides she won’t cheat because she she values honestly and had committed to getting through school on her own merits. Which student had the more difficult choice? Which student had the greater opportunity for growth?
     This example illustrates why I believe we had to be separated from our Heavenly Father and experience mortality. Here, we “operate in the grey area between conviction and [doubt, and] are in a position to choose most meaningfully, and with most meaningful consequences.” “[We] act under […] conditions, which can allow us [to choose] who we are, what we most love, and what we most devoutly desire. Without constraint, without any form of mental compulsion, [our choices are] the freest possible projection of what resides in [our] hearts. [Great growth] occurs when we choose what we will [do], in that space of freedom that exists between knowing that a thing is, and knowing that a thing is not.” (Terryl L. Givens) 
     That separation between ourselves and God widens further during our mortal lives when spiritual challenges come our way.
     “C. S. Lewis wrote that “sooner or later [God] withdraws, if not in fact, at least from [our] conscious experience, all [our] supports and incentives. He leaves [us] to stand up on [our] own legs. . . . It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that [we are] growing into the sort of creature He wants [us] to be.” This can be a wrenching process of spiritual abandonment such as Eve and Adam felt in their expulsion from God’s presence, or we all must have felt upon leaving of our premortal estate. Perhaps many of us will never find God by calling out His name at the entrance to the cave; we must enter [the darkness]”  (Terryl L. Givens)
     So what do we do when we find ourselves in spiritual darkness? How can we take action to let the light back in? Acting on faith during these times is the key to opening the door to personal revelation. There are five specific steps that can be taken:

  1. Keep a sincere desire to know Heavenly Father’s will in your heart. Sincerity is key. Even if you can do no more than to want to want to know, that is a good place to start. This desire is very important. Remember that Laman and Lemuel saw an angel, but it did not convert them because they didn’t have that desire, they didn’t want their hearts to change. In a short time they went back to being violent and oppositional. Contrast this with Alma the Younger who also had an angel visit him. Yet, this is how he later describes his conversion:

“Behold, I testify unto you that I do know that these things whereof I have spoken are true. And how do ye suppose that I know of their surety ? Behold, I have fasted and prayed many days that I might know these things of myself.”

     Although the heavenly visitation was an important part of his experience, he too ultimately had to make a choice to put in the work, to fast and pray, in order to gain a heartfelt conversion. Heavenly Father can’t make this choice for us, it is always in our hands.

     2. Prayer.  Just like Alma, we need to keep the communication lines open with Heavenly Father with sincere prayer and fasting. Perhaps even pray and fast more frequently than you have before. It may not come as quickly or in the format you desire, but the answer will come, don’t give up! Although it didn’t feel like it while I was waiting, looking back, the timing of my answers was right for me.
Again, Hugh B. Brown wrote:

“At times I have had to take myself in hand and command my knees to bend, my head to bow, my spirit to become contrite. But of this I bear witness, that I have beheld more distant vistas when on my knees than when standing upright. Somehow the bending of the knee has seemed to open the shutters of the soul and to bring the lens of faith into focus.
Many more before you and I have wondered if praying were not merely a soliloquy and its only answer the echo of its sound. On the other hand, however, prayer has been a vital principle–the central faith of millions of noble men and women. The fact that it has been an age-long rapture certainly attests its value–it endures. It’s faithfully recurrent like the sunrise. It’s not a private vagary nor is it mere wishful thinking or rationalizations. I have come through my own experiences with the conviction that prayer is comradeship with God; indeed, I doubt if I could have endured some recent experiences if I had not had that refuge.”

    3. Make reading and listening to the word of God a regular habit. Seek the words of Heavenly Father by increasing your study of the scriptures, and listening to inspired talks in General Conference and in our weekly meetings.
      I’ve found that spiritual guidance sometimes come through these avenues.  I received an answer to a prayer this way during a time when I struggled with a few passages in the Bible. I was prompted to read a section of a specific talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, in which he said:

“The scriptures give eloquent confirmation of how truth, consistently lived, opens the door to inspiration to know what to do and, where needed, to have personal capacities enhanced by divine power. The scriptures depict how an individual’s capacity to conquer difficulty, doubt, and seemingly insurmountable challenges is strengthened by the Lord in time of need. As you ponder such examples, there will come a quiet confirmation through the Holy Spirit that their experiences are true. You will come to know that similar help is available to you.”

     4. Take Action. Make service to others a priority within and without the church. Fulfill church duties: like visiting/home teaching, meeting attendance, and if you have a calling, do your best to accomplish what is needed of you. Pay your tithing. I know that these can be difficult things to accomplish, even when we are not struggling. So, I can’t tell you how much I admire those who make the courageous effort to come to church even when it is difficult for them to do so.  Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ see the sacrifices you make; He loves you. Christ knows and understands your feelings. Elder Holland taught:

“For [Christ’s] Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone. […] But Jesus held on. He pressed on. The goodness in Him allowed faith to triumph even in a state of complete anguish. The trust He lived by told Him in spite of His feelings that divine compassion is never absent, that God is always faithful, that He never flees nor fails us. Christ’s determination to be faithful was as obvious as it was utterly invincible, finally and mercifully, it was “finished.” Against all odds and with none to help or uphold Him,  Jesus of Nazareth, the living Son of the living God, restored physical life where death had held sway and brought joyful, spiritual redemption out of sin, hellish darkness, and despair. ”

Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane - Arkhip Kuindzhi

     5. Keep a journal of your spiritual experiences. When you receive answers and clarity make sure to record them in a special place.
Richard G. Scott wrote:

“When it is for the Lord’s purposes, He can bring anything to our remembrance. [However,] That should not weaken our determination to record impressions of the Spirit. Inspiration carefully recorded shows God that His communications are sacred to us. Recording will also enhance our ability to recall revelation. Such recording of direction of the Spirit should be protected from loss or intrusion by others.”

     When I waiver, I have found a lot of comfort reading through my journal where I keep my experiences. Alma once asked in a sermon: “And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?” I know I have found that it’s easy, sadly, to become complacent. Even those who have had undeniable spiritual experiences are likely to be faced with hard times again in the future. Keeping a record of our impressions of the spirit will help us remember the light more vividly when we need it.
     It is hard enough to go through periods of darkness and doubt ourselves, but to watch a loved one do so can be even more difficult. As much as I would love to be sitting here in church with my dear husband every week, I know that I have to patiently wait for him to make that choice. This is not at all to say that I don’t love and admire him greatly. In the absence of his belief that a deity is watching him, his principled moral choices reveal his strong character and his good heart shines. Yet, my heart aches for him to have the hope that a greater purpose brings, to know that there is more beyond this life. But, we can’t choose faith for those we love. I imagine that Heavenly Father feels the same anxiety about us. He wants us to attain our potential and to come to Him, however he can't make our choices for us because it won’t work if it doesn’t come from within.
     So, if you are watching a loved one struggle with their doubts, be patient with them. Pray for them and most of all, rather than lecture them, show them your love and continue with your faithful example. Take hope, and remember that doubt can be sanctifying and resistance is necessary in our flight back to our creator.
     I want to thank so many of you who are examples to me, and I appreciate how much you help me keep the spiritual light bright in my life. I bear witness that if you are facing times of darkness, that Heavenly Father understands your struggles. And if you turn to Him, He will hear you, and comfort and answers will come. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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For God So Loved the World

The Danish Artist Bertha Wegmann Painting a Portrait - Jeanna Bauck

  

FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD

The text of a talk/sermon I gave in December 2014:

What is the role of the Savior?
     Around age 5, children typically stop scribbling, and start to use symbols for images they want to draw. Thus when a child draws a picture of a tree, they may draw every tree with the same basic lollipop shape, and they will draw every tree this way.  The sun is often represented by a yellow circle with lines radiating outwards, and they will draw the sun like this every time. The symbol for human faces are “smiley faces” and everyone in their family will get the same “smiley face” as a representation of their faces.

     As children mature they begin to feel limited in drawing using symbolism. They realize that their representation for a tree doesn't look like the real thing, and isn’t flexible enough to represent the wide variety of shapes that trees come in. At this new stage, which begins at around nine or ten years old, the child will lend greater importance to whether their drawing looks realistic. This is a frustrating time, as their aspirations begin to outstrip their knowledge and skills. Some children give up on drawing at all during this stage. If formal training of some kind isn’t pursued at some point, they’ll likely remain stagnant or stuck in the “symbolism” stage in their artistic development throughout their adult lives.
     So, if there are two things that I tell my art students the most: it’s that they’ll need to 1) stop using symbolism as a crutch, and 2) to get used to making lots of mistakes. These two things are essential to learning and improving as artists. Many people young and old, are afraid to move past the symbolism stage because it’s a safe place to stay. If the goal is to draw stick figures, it is easy to achieve, and no one will question what is being represented. If they move out of this comfort zone, they fear the dissatisfaction that comes from seeing that the art that they create isn’t likely to live up to the beautiful vision they have in their minds.  There’s a gap between their current capabilities and how good they want to eventually become, and they may not be willing to bridge that gap because it will involve making lot of amateur art, making lots of mistakes, and frustration.
     Being an artist also requires a certain adeptness in embracing uncertainty. Watercolors are highly transparent and prone to mishaps, it will bloom in unpredictable ways that, depending on the artist's luck and creativity, can be a benefit or a burden. Paper will begin to buckle from moisture, and the paints will begin to pool in places you don’t want it to. Acrylic paints like to drip where they shouldn’t, and oils dry very slowly, so patience is required if you don’t want all of the colors in your painting mixing together, ending up like the hue of mud.

Self Portrait - Van Gogh

     Many, like myself, have decided to continue to learn and practice art despite all the frustrations involved. We do so because we know that the skills we’ll acquire in the end will be worth it. But we find that for many years, even decades, what we’re creating still isn’t living up to the potential we are working towards. It’s incredibly difficult to look at your artwork, something you’ve put so much work into — and you know that although it’s getting better, that it still falls short, it doesn’t yet have the special thing that we wanted it to have. Yet, a truly dedicated person moves forward anyway, knowing that the practice is helping them to improve, to move one step closer towards where they want to end up. Because there is no other way, it’s only by wading through the unpredictability,  making mistakes and by going through a huge volume of work that you are actually going to close that gap between your current skill level and your ambitions. It takes a long time — it’s normal to take years and years. You just have to push your way through that, the gap will become more and more narrow, until one day you will realize that you are capable of creating true masterpieces. I often imagine what a wonderful day that will be.
     The same principles hold true for our mortal lives. Heavenly Father knew that it is only through seeking, navigating uncertainty, and blundering though life, that we truly learn, grow and improve.
I wish there was an easier way, I wish I could tell my art students that there was an easier way, and I imagine that Heavenly probably also wishes the same, but He knows that this is the only way that we attain the potential He knows we have. A potential that is even greater than we can imagine for ourselves. C.S. Lewis puts it this way:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to?
The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.” 

     Another important concept I stress to my art students over and over is the importance of sketching prior to putting down any definite strokes that can’t be erased. Sketches are "preparatory drawings”, and involve putting down imperfect, unsure, imprecise lines as a way of eventually finding where the lines should actually be placed. Students will never figure out the correct placement of their lines without first putting down many, many marks in the wrong places. It’s impossible for a student and unlikely for even a trained artist to put those lines down in the exact right place the first try. During this process, a good, clean eraser is invaluable. This allows the student to remove the errant marks, allowing only the lines in the right place to remain, thus revealing a proportionally correct, beautiful, drawing in the end.
     Again, Heavenly Father knows that we need to be able to seek and stumble through life to find the best path to reach our potential.  However, there is a problem. In Isaiah chapter 6, Isaiah described how a vision of the the Lord in the temple overwhelmed him with a sense of his own wretchedness. The knowledge of our sins make it so we won’t be able to stand to be in the presence of God again. Yet Heavenly Father wants us to return to him, where we will be happy. We needed a way to avoid the stagnation of our growth, to make mistakes, but also to erase them. He needed a way to provide us with guidance, with an example but without impeding on our need for agency in order to grow. I would be a terrible art teacher if I withheld important tools like erasers, or expected my students to wade through the frustration and unpredictability of learning to draw and paint without guidance and instruction. God does not leave without these tools, either.
We need a mediator between us and God - someone who could descend to Earth and remain a perfect example and guide, yet remain pure enough to forgive sins and stand in God’s presence as our mediator. Someone who would be capable of experiencing all of our pains, sicknesses and heartaches so that as our mediator, he could be truly empathetic to our plights.
Alma taught: “He will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” (Alma 7:12)
     This would be an extremely difficult job, impossible for you or I. I imagine that only something as powerful as a pure, eternal love would compel anyone volunteer for that role. So, it was this ultimate love that Christ had for us when He volunteered, saying: “Here am I, send me.” Even stronger still must Heavenly Father’s love have been for us to allow His own son to volunteer for such a position. I don’t know of a stronger love in existence than a parent’s for their child.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)
     This gift to us from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ was the first and greatest gift that has ever been given to us.

What do you do to feel close to him?

     So how do we take full advantage of this gift? What’s the best way to receive and apply Christ’s guidance to our lives today?    Harder still, how do we become close to Heavenly Father and His son if we’re not sure if they’re there or if He’ll answer us?
First, begin where you are. It doesn’t matter where that is in relation to anyone else. Just the fact that you have decided to seek guidance will open the door to His light. This process works best when we are the ones initiating it.
     If I had an art student who didn’t want to progress past the symbolism stage, I am helpless in assisting them to progress. My grandmother was determined to continue drinking far too much no matter how much evidence we showed her that it was harmful. She wouldn’t stop until she wanted to, only then did the evidence start to mean anything to her, only then did my mother’s pleas to stop, cease annoying her and started to show to her how much my mother cared about her. Laman and Lemuel saw angels, but it wasn’t enough to change their hearts in the long term because they didn’t have the desire to change their hearts. God won’t compel us to do the right thing, because it doesn’t work, it can’t change our hearts.

At Eternity's Gate - Van Gogh

      In my case, Heavenly Father waited to show me the evidence that He was there, only after I made great effort to follow the commandments and communicate with Him, because that is when I was truly ready to hear it. So, even if you’re in the midst of obstacles, obstacles that I know make it hard for me to pray, whether they are things that you don’t choose like depression, or serious doubts, or if it’s hard to want to get on your knees because you’re making mistakes you can’t seem to stop repeating, the very moment you choose to seek Heavenly Father, you’re taking a huge step in the right direction. The light will begin to seep in. At that moment, our attitude is one that’s ready to listen.  Jesus in His own words said, “Come unto me.”  He will “knock at the door”, but won’t “come in” until we’re ready to answer.
     Heavenly Father will speak to those who approach Him with a sincere heart and real intent. He will speak to them through the scriptures, through others around us if they are truly inspired to do so, through dreams, visions, thoughts, and feelings.  He will speak in a way that is personalized for you.
The process of seeking out our Savior will need to be repeated many, many times through our entire lives, not just once. We can continue to seek Him by praying, by repenting and seeking to erase our mistakes through the atonement, by expressing gratitude to Him, by searching the scriptures, by listening to the testimonies of living prophets and followers. Let Him know about the trials you are facing. Ask for support. That is hard because His support may not mean that your trial will end, it may be support so you can endure through it, instead.
     Christ told us “If ye love me, keep my commandments.” This is very important advice to follow if we wish to become closer to the Savior, but I find, like most people that it is easier said than done.
President Uchtdorf explains:

“There are so many “shoulds” and “should nots” that merely keeping track of them can be a challenge. Sometimes, well-meaning amplifications of divine principles—many coming from uninspired sources—complicate matters further, diluting the purity of divine truth with man-made addenda. One person’s good idea—something that may work for him or her—takes root and becomes an expectation. And gradually, eternal principles can get lost within the labyrinth of “good ideas.” This was one of the Savior’s criticisms of the religious “experts” of His day, whom He chastised for attending to the hundreds of minor details of the law while neglecting the weightier matters.”

     How do we make sure that we are prioritizing the weightier matters, the commandments that Christ taught as the most important?
      In Matthew chapter 22, a situation is described in which a lawyer asks Jesus which of all the commandments was the most important?

“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-40)

    Love is at the center of everything Heaven Father and His son have done, and do for us, in all that they see for us, and He is asking that love also become the center of all that we do, as well. It should serve as our compass as we navigate through the question of how to follow the commandments, as we endure trials, and unexpected disappointments, as we navigate through our relationships with each other. At church it means that we should concern ourselves with discipleship and not simply attendance numbers. It means that we should be out serving in our community and giving to the poor rather than worrying about petty things. It means, and this is advice to myself: that we should be spending time with our children when they really need us to, instead of seeing them as a distraction for what we’d rather be doing.
      Love is the great commandment. It can heal, it can unite, it is kind, patient. Martin Luther King, Jr. described it as a force that could drive away darkness and hate and the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.  Love fuels happy families, friendship, tolerance, respect, civility, and humility. It is said that God is love. So what does this mean we should strive to become when He beckons us to be like Him?
      God’s great love for you is reason he gave you the greatest gift He could give.

     Jesus said: “Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?” (Matthew 7:9-11)

     Take advantage of the greatest gift ever given to you. The gap between where you are now and the potential Heavenly Father knows you have is narrowing every time you do a little better.  Don’t give up. Pray and read the scriptures for guidance, and most importantly show love to God and our neighbors, by using love as our compass in our lives. This is how we can begin to understand what it means to be a true follower of Jesus Christ. This I testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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The Apostasy and the Restoration

Temple Mount and the Western Wall -  Ludwig Blum

An abridged version of a talk (like a sermon) I gave in Sacrament meeting in early 2008:

    Having finished what He had to do on Earth, Jesus ascended to heaven, leaving His church to be presided over by the apostles. At first, the apostles carried on the work , as they had while He was among them. For instance, not long after Christ's ascension, Matthias filled the vacancy in the quorum of the twelve apostles left by Judah, just as Elder Christofferson recently filled in our time period.

    However, as time passed, it became increasingly difficult for the apostles to keep people from distorting Jesus' teachings, to stop followers from dividing into different ideological groups that would divide the once unified church, and to stop Christ's doctrine from fusing with former spiritual and philosophical beliefs of converts.
      For instance, Paul rebuked the Galatians for turning to a distorted form of the Gospel. He said:

“I marvel that ye are so soon removed from the grace of Christ unto another gospel: which is not another, but there be some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ. But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed.”

     For the first thirty-six years of the apostolic age, the ruling Roman regime protected the Christian church. For example, after Paul's conversion, he was able call on his rights as a Roman citizen for protection. Officials protected him from angry mobs, and dismissed charges made against him. However, the protection did not last.

   In 64 A.D the great fire of Rome ravaged large parts of the city. Unfortunately, as it happens all too often after tragedy, the populace called for someone to blame for the disaster. Rumors were circulating that the Roman Emperor himself, Nero, had purposefully set fire to the city. To repress the accusations, Nero laid blame upon the Christians. It was ordered that Christians should be tortured, and crucified. It was in the fallout of this event that the apostles Peter and Paul were martyred, probably within a year of each other.
      There were also other things that also contributed to the persecution of early Christians. In Roman culture, the worship of pagan gods and the emperor was a part of life. However, because Christians didn’t participate in pagan rituals and tended to keep to themselves, they were considered anti-social. When the imperial police took an interest in them, they became more secretive, which made officials even more suspicious. In addition, because Christians wouldn’t join in with the religious activities which were believed to placate the gods, they were perceived as a threat to the very well-being of the community. Writing in about A.D. 196, Tertullian, an early Christian author, wrote:
     
  "The Christians are to blame for every public disaster and every misfortune that befalls the people. If the Tiber rises to the walls, if the Nile fails to rise and flood the fields, if the sky withholds its rain, if there is earthquake or famine or plague, straightway the cry arises: ‘The Christians to the lions!’

Paul Meyerheim - Lion and Lioness (1915)

      Because of fears and misunderstandings, apostles, bishops, disciples and followers of Jesus who would not compromise their faith were persecuted and martyred. Eventually, all of the apostles but John, were killed.
      Although John was still alive to teach church members, there are indications that some were rejecting his message.  In 3 John 1:9-10, John laments that a certain local leader in the Church, Diotrephes, would not receive John's letters and turned away the brethren from the Church as well as those who would receive them:
John states:

“I wrote unto the church: but Diotrephes, who loveth to have the preeminence among them, receiveth us not. Wherefore, if I come, I will remember his deeds which he doeth, prating against us with malicious words: and not content therewith, neither doth he himself receive the brethren, and forbiddeth them that would, and casteth [them] out of the church.”

     With most of the apostles gone, and some Christians rejecting their message, the church began to deteriorate.


     During the following centuries, Christianity continued, but not in its original form. As all are God’s children, the people had the light of Christ, could pray, and could feel the influence of the Holy Ghost. However, almost everyone was denied access to the scriptures, and most people were illiterate. And without revelation from God, the people of that time—many who were well-intentioned—were left to try to preserve Christ's original teachings on their own.  Many individuals strove to keep the Christian tradition alive in the face of great challenges, and happily, many of the truths that Christ had introduced during His mortal ministry were preserved. But not all of them.
      Possibly in consequence to years of persecution and suffering, some of the surviving Christians tried to reconcile Christ's teaching with popular philosophies and the culture that was prevalent at the time, so as to foster commonality and understanding between Christians and those they co-existed with. However, without correction from inspired leaders, and continuing revelation, some Christian teachings lost their original meanings as they merged with pagan teachings, and other beliefs. 
Essential knowledge about the nature of God was changed. For instance, starting around 170 AD, it was taught that God, created the universe out of absolutely nothing, as opposed to creating it from preexisting matter.
       Empedocles, a Greek pre-Socratic philosopher, stated that God "does not possess a head and limbs similar to those of humans.... [He is] a spirit, a holy and inexpressible one....".
      Compare this assertion to one made by the Vatican Council of 1871. That God is "eternal, immense, incomprehensible,... who, being a unique spiritual substance by nature, absolutely simple and unchangeable, must be declared distinct from the world in fact and by essence....” It was also taught that the Godhead consisted of three distinct persons who are "of one substance or essence."

     The original apostles had warned of a falling away, as we can read in several passages.

Acts 20:28-30:
28 ¶ Take heed therefore unto yourselves, and to all the flock, over the which the Holy Ghost hath made you overseers, to feed the church of God, which he hath purchased with his own blood.
  29 For I know this, that after my departing shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock.
 30 Also of your own selves shall men arise, speaking perverse things, to draw away disciples after them.

2 Thessalonians 2:1-3
1 Now we beseech you, brethren, by the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, and by our gathering together unto him,
  2 That ye be not soon shaken in mind, or be troubled, neither by spirit, nor by word, nor by letter as from us, as that the day of Christ is at hand.
  3 Let no man deceive you by any means: for that day shall not come, except there come a falling away first, and that man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition;

2 Timothy 4:3–4:
3 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;
  4 And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.

      In addition to an apostasy, the Bible also talks of a restoration.

Acts 3:19-21:
19 ¶ Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord;
  20 And he shall send Jesus Christ, which before was preached unto you:
  21 Whom the heaven must receive until the times of restitution of all things, which God hath spoken by the mouth of all his holy prophets since the world began. 
     
According to Elder Bruce R. McConkie of the Quorum of the Twelve, preparation for restoring the gospel began centuries before the First Vision. He said:

”Beginning in the 14th century, the Lord began to prepare those social, educational, religious, economic, and governmental conditions under which he could more easily restore the gospel for the last time." (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed. [1966], 717).

      John Wycliffe, was an English theologian and an early dissident in the Roman Catholic Church during the 14th century. He founded the Lollard movement, a precursor to the Protestant Reformation. He criticized the papal encroachments on secular power. Wycliffe thought that all should have access to the Bible in their own native language. And is credited as the force behind the first complete translation of the Bible into English.

     In 1517, Pope Leo X offered indulgences for those who gave alms to rebuild St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. The aggressive marketing practices of Johann Tetzel in promoting this cause provoked Martin Luther, a German monk and university professor, to write his 95 theses, protesting against what he saw as the purchase and sale of salvation. In thesis 28 Luther objected to a saying attributed to Tetzel: "As soon as a coin in the coffer rings, a soul from purgatory springs”.
     The 95 Theses not only denounced such transactions as worldly but denied the Pope's right to grant pardons on God's behalf in the first place. The only thing indulgences guaranteed, Luther said, was an increase in profit and greed.
     Parallel to events in Germany, a movement began in Switzerland under the leadership of Ulrich Zwingli during the same time.

     Meanwhile, William Tyndale taught that a direct translation from Greek and Hebrew into English would be more accurate and readable than Wycliffe's translation from Latin. So Tyndale, translated the New Testament and a portion of the Old Testament. His friends warned him that he would be killed for doing so, but he was undaunted. He once told a colleague during a theological argument :
    

     "If God spare my life, ere many years I will cause a boy that driveth the plough shall know more of the scripture than thou dost." 4

Anton Mauve

     Eventually Tyndale, like others, was killed because of his work. However, his work was not done in vain; millions have come to experience for themselves what Tyndale taught throughout his life:  

"The nature of God's word is, that whosoever read it . . . it will begin immediately to make him every day better and better, till he be grown into a perfect man in the knowledge of Christ and love of the law of God."5

    The recently introduced printing press played an important role, too. It made it possible to spread ideas rapidly from place to place, so these reformative movements grew very quickly.
      Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve said that Martin Luther and other reformers "were inspired to create a religious climate in which God could restore lost truths and priesthood authority". (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 85; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 66).
     Not long after this time of religious reformation,  the United States was colonized and became an independent nation. Because of the events that played out during the history of Christianity,  the original framers of the Constitution of the United States pushed for guaranteeing religious freedom. Conditions had become ripe for the restoration.
      Joseph Smith, was born in 1805 in Vermont. When Joseph was about 10 years old, three years of crop failures in Vermont left the Smith family in serious financial difficulty.  The family moved to western New York, where there was a prospect of better farming conditions. At this time there was a renewed interest in religion and wave of social activism in New England known as the "second great awakening". Because of this renewed excitement about religion, many churches were contending for converts. This included vying for the membership of the Smith family.

In Joseph Smith History, Joseph articulates how the religious scene at the time affected him:

  10 In the midst of this war of words and tumult of opinions, I often said to myself: What is to be done? Who of all these parties are right; or, are they all wrong together? If any one of them be right, which is it, and how shall I know it?    

     Thankfully, because of the efforts of many Christians before him, Joseph had access to a copy of the bible, in his own language. He regularly read it, searched it and applied what he learned from it in his life. It was during one of the many times that Joseph was pouring over his Bible that he found the answer to his question of how he could know which church was the right one to join. 

Joseph Smith describes what took place:

  11 While I was laboring under the extreme difficulties caused by the contests of these parties of religionists, I was one day reading the Epistle of James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

  12 Never did any passage of scripture come with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of my heart. I reflected on it again and again, knowing that if any person needed wisdom from God, I did; for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know; for the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.

  13 At length I came to the conclusion that I must either remain in darkness and confusion, or else I must do as James directs, that is, ask of God. I at length came to the determination to “ask of God,” concluding that if he gave wisdom to them that lacked wisdom, and would give liberally, and not upbraid, I might venture.

  14 So, in accordance with this, my determination to ask of God, I retired to the woods to make the attempt. It was on the morning of a beautiful, clear day, early in the spring of eighteen hundred and twenty. It was the first time in my life that I had made such an attempt, for amidst all my anxieties I had never as yet made the attempt to pray vocally.

  15 After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

  16 But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction—not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being—just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the dsun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

  17 It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!

  18 My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join.

  19 I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.”

     This event, what we call “The First Vision”, ushered in the restoration of the gospel. The visit of the Father and the Son to Joseph Smith is rich in doctrinal significance. Joseph now knew that:

• God the Father and Jesus Christ live.
• The Father and the Son are real, separate beings with glorified bodies of flesh and bones.
• That we are created in the image of God.
• Satan and his power are real, but God's power is infinitely greater.
• God hears and answers prayers and cares for us.
• None of the churches on earth had the fulness of Christ's gospel.
• Revelation has not ceased. 6

    “After centuries of darkness and pain and struggle, the time was ripe for the restoration of the gospel. … That glorious day dawned in the year 1820, when a boy, earnest and with faith, walked into a grove of trees and lifted his voice in prayer. …
“There came in response a glorious manifestation. God the Eternal Father and the risen Lord Jesus Christ appeared and spoke with him. The curtains which had been closed for much of two millennia were parted to usher in the dispensation of the fullness of times.” - President Gordon B. Hinckley

     In closing, the history of the apostasy and the restoration can be used as a rough simile for my own spiritual journey. I was born into a family who were members of our church. My childhood home was loving, but also strict. There was a large emphasis placed on the value of obedience in my home. Though much of the gospel was taught to me in my childhood by my parents and other mentors in the church, I found myself in spiritual confusion as I approached adulthood.
     I was unsure about some gospel principles. Also, like some early Christians who had twisted Christian theology with pagan theologies, I too had some ideologies that were not of divine origin, fused in my mind with actual church doctrine, which brought further uncertainty to my mind.
     At the time, I didn’t seek for answers to my questions through study and prayer, as I felt guilty for having doubts at all. I thought that questioning what I had been taught was the antithesis of being obedient and faithful. Eventually, I found it easier to completely ignore my doubts and simply follow the religious traditions I was raised with. Because of this, the gospel was reduced to acting out hollow habitual acts. I attended Church, fulfilled what was asked of me while there. Church became a social gathering, a culture that I was familiar with, nothing more.

Nocturne in Black and Gold  - Whistler

     Later, when dark times clouded my life, the anchor and hope of a testimony was not there. During one very difficult time, I was so emotionally drained and that the guilt and fear that was associated with facing my doubts had been exhausted. Without those barriers, I then openly wondered whether God even existed. The thought that perhaps the precepts that I had been taught since childhood might be a fable, was a very depressing thought. But, I had come to the point, where the thought of not knowing the truth was even more depressing.

     I wanted nothing more than to find the truth, whatever it was. It was time that I followed Joseph Smith’s example, and find out for myself. With a strong motivation that I had never had before in my life, I tested this religion. I researched it. I read books about theology. I read the Book of Mormon, Doctrine of Covenants, pearl of Great Price and started the New Testament. I underlined verses I thought to be important, and wrote questions I had in the margins. I discovered that some ideas that I had previously thought represented doctrine, did not. I went to action. In a renewed effort, I tried to live the commandments. I remember one particular afternoon when I had put my tithing in an envelope and was taking it to my mail box to send it to the bishop’s office. Before, tithing had been something that I did simply because I was supposed to. This time, I paused for awhile before dropping it in, wondering if I was doing it in vain. Surely, I was being conned!
     And last, I prayed. I prayed with sincerity. I truly wanted to know if Heavenly Father was there.
And one night, I received my answer. Heavenly Father was really there, and he had communicated with me. He loved me.
     Through good times and trials I now had hope, motivation and a bright perspective. My life had purpose.
  

   “Follow the example of Joseph Smith and the pattern of the Restoration. Turn to the scriptures. Kneel in prayer. Ask in faith. Listen to the Holy Ghost. Learn that your name and needs are known by our Heavenly Father, just as Joseph’s were. Live the gospel with patience and persistence”.

-Elder Robert D. Hales

 

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